ʻEkolu mau aniani a mākou e ʻike ai i ka male

I kahi op-ed hou i loko o ka Nuhou Nuhou o Dallas , Ua kūkākūkā ʻo David Brooks i ka mea āna i kapa ai he ʻekolu aniani nāna e ʻike ka moʻomeheu kaulana i ka male. Ke nānā aku nei nā aniani kilokilo i nā pilikia hoʻokaulike (e laʻa me ke ʻano, ke ʻano, ke kālā, ka makemake moekolohe). 'Speakslelo kēia i ka mea aʻu e kuhikuhi pinepine ai ma ke ʻano he pilikia waena i nā pilina - ʻo ia hoʻi, pili lākou i ka poʻe. A e like paha me kāu e ʻike ai, paʻakikī ka hana ʻana me nā poʻe. ʻO ka hapa nui o nā pilina, me kā lākou mau makana he nui, i kekahi manawa lilo i mea pīhoihoi, kaumaha, hoʻoluhi, kūpono ʻole, a / a huikau paha. Ke hāpai nei kēia i ka nīnau inā he ʻōpū ko ka lehulehu ʻAmelika no nā pili maoli; ʻo ia hoʻi, nā pilina e lawe ai nā hoa i nā mea maikaʻi ʻole me nā mea maikaʻi.

ʻO kahi ala e nānā ai i kēia aniani mua mai kahi kuʻina hoʻopili. ʻO ka hoʻopili e pili ana i ka maikaʻi o ka palekana a me ka palekana i ka pilina. I loko o ka male, ka palekana o ka manaʻo o nā hoa ma muli o kā lākou pili mua loa a me kā lākou kakali ʻana i nā mea maikaʻi ʻole e hana nei i mua i kā lākou hui makua. ʻO kēia ke kumu inā ʻoe a me kāu pakanā e loaʻa nei i nā pilikia hoʻokaʻawale, hiki i kekahi a ʻelua paha ʻoe ke hoʻoulu nei i ka maikaʻi a me nā hoʻomanaʻo maikaʻi ʻole mai nā pilina i hala. Inā ʻaʻole ʻoe e maopopo i kēia a aʻo e ʻae a hoʻokele i kekahi i kekahi — e like me ka hānai ʻana i kahi keiki a lawelawe paha i kahi holoholona — ʻo nā hoʻopiʻi e pili ana i ka huhū, ka makaʻu, ka mamao ʻana, ka pili ʻana, a me nā mea like e lilo i kumu no ka ʻōlelo aʻo male a me ka mediation.

ʻO ka maka aniani ʻelua a Brooks e pili ana i ke aloha aloha. ʻO kahi pākēneka liʻiliʻi wale nō o nā uniona pili aloha i hala i ka hoʻāʻo o ka manawa. I ka ʻoiaʻiʻo, mālama mākou i kā mākou moʻomeheu i nā kaʻao aloha like ʻole, e like me ka mea aia kahi uhane hoʻokahi ma ou lā, a aloha ʻoe iā ʻoe iho ma mua o ka hiki ke aloha i kekahi. Nui ka poʻe e male no ke aloha me he mea lā ʻo ia wale nō ka mea hiki ke mālama pū. He ʻoiaʻiʻo e hāʻawi ke kūlohelohe iā mākou i kahi libido i hoʻoulu ʻia i ka mokulele i ka hoʻomaka o kahi pilina, akā ʻaʻole ia e hōʻoia i kahi pilina lōʻihi a hauʻoli. ʻO ka ʻoiaʻiʻo ke hoʻomohala ʻia ke aloha makua ma o ka hānai ʻana i kēlā me kēia lā o ka male a me ka hoʻolaʻa i ka pilina, kahi e hāʻawi ai i ka oxygen e hiki ai i nā hoa ke ola a ulu i nā hoʻololi o ke ola.

He kākoʻo wau i ka mea aʻu e kapa ai he pilina paʻa. ʻO kēia ke ʻano o ka hana ʻana o ʻolua a me kāu pakanā ma ke ʻano he ʻōnaehana psychological ʻelua kanaka i ke ʻano o ka laulima piha ʻana, ka like ʻana, a me ka noʻonoʻo. Me ka hopohopo ʻole, inā ʻoe a me kāu hoa e hoʻokau i kou pilina ma mua a kālele ana i ka pono o kēlā me kēia ʻohi e ʻohi ʻoe i nā keu pono he nui loa i ka wā pōkole a lōʻihi hoʻi. ʻO kēia ala, ʻo ʻoe, e like me kaʻu makemake e ʻōlelo ai, i ka foxhole pū, kahi e loaʻa ai iā ʻoe nā kua o kekahi a me ka hoʻopau ʻole ʻana i kekahi ʻano hopohopo ʻole a hoʻoweliweli paha i ka pilina.

ʻO ke aniani ʻekolu, naʻu paha, ʻo ka mea ʻoi loa. Maʻaneʻi, e kamaʻilio ana ʻo Brooks e pili ana i ke ao pono, a me ke ʻano nui o ka manaʻo ʻole. Ke hoʻokau mua nā hoa i ko lākou pilina a nānā iā ia me ke gose e hoʻomoe i ka hua gula, no laila e kamaʻilio, mālama lākou iā ia me he mea lā e hilinaʻi ana ko lākou ola. Ke hōʻoia nei wau i ko lākou ola maoli i ka hilinaʻi ʻia. ʻO ka pono i hoʻopili ʻia i ka pale like ʻana o kēia kolu o ka hui — ke kaiaolaola o ka wahine — ʻaʻole pono ia no nā hoa wale nō akā no kā lāua mau keiki a me nā mea ʻē aʻe āpau i kā lākou kaʻae. ʻO ka ʻōnaehana male ka anakahi liʻiliʻi loa o kahi kaiāulu. ʻAʻole he mea maʻalahi nā kāne male; akā, ke hāʻawi nei lākou i kahi hui e hāʻawi iā lākou i nā mea e pono ai lākou e ulu i ke ola, ma loko a ma waho o ka pilina.

Ke nānā aku nei kēia aniani i ke kolu o ka mea i ʻoi aku ma mua o nā hoa ponoʻī. I ke ʻano, e mahalo ʻia ka pilina ma ke ʻano o ka mahalo ʻana o nā hoa i ke Akua a i kā lākou keiki paha. Hiki i ka ʻike ke lilo i ʻuhane.

Makemake wau e nīnau i nā kāne inā ua mākaukau lākou e ulu ma ke ʻano he ʻelua mau kanaka kahi e hoʻokahuli ʻole ai ka hoihoi ponoʻī i ka maikaʻi maʻamau. Minamina, i koʻu ʻike, nui loa nā kāne ma ke kai ke hiki mai i ka pane ʻana i nā nīnau nui loa: “He aha ke kumu o ka male ʻana? He aha kāu hana no kekahi i kekahi ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke uku i kekahi mea ʻē aʻe e hana? He aha ka mea i ʻelua o ʻolua kūikawā? He aha kāu lawelawe? ʻO wai kāu e hoʻokauwā nei? ʻO kēia nā nīnau e pili ana i ka pono. ʻOiai ʻo David Brooks ka mea haʻi ʻōlelo politika e hoʻohana nei i kēia aniani e wehewehe i ka emi ʻana o ka maikaʻi o ka male, makemake wau e ʻike i loko o ia i ke kiʻi maopopo o ke kula ʻoi aku ke ʻano o ke aʻo ʻana e pili ana i ka male e hiki ai iā mākou ke alakaʻi i nā pilina paʻa.

Nā kūmole

Brooks, D. (2016, Pepeluali 24). No ke aha e emi ai ka maikaʻi o ka male maʻamau. Nuhou Nuhou o Dallas . Ua kiʻi ʻia mai http://www.dallasnews.com/opinion/latest-columns/20160224-david-brooks-why-the-quality-of-the-average-marriage-is-in-decline.ece

Tatkin, S. (2012). Uila no ke aloha: Pehea e hiki ai i ka hoʻomaopopo ʻana i ka lolo o kāu hoa ke kōkua iā ʻoe e hōʻino i nā hakakā a hoʻāuna i ka pilina. ʻO Oakland, CA: ʻO Harbinger Hou.

Tatkin, S. (2016). Uila no ka launa ʻana: Pehea ka hoʻomaopopo ʻana i ka neurobiology a me ke kaila hoʻopili i hiki ke kōkua iā ʻoe e ʻike i kāu ipo maikaʻi . ʻO Oakland, CA: ʻO Harbinger Hou.

ʻO Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, ka mea kākau o Wired for Love and Wired for Dating and Your Brain on Love, a me ka mea kākau o ke aloha a me ke kaua ma nā pilina pili loa. He hana haukino kāna ma CA CA hema, aʻo ʻo ia ma Kaiser Permanente, a he kōkua kōkua polopeka ma UCLA. Ua kūkulu ʻo Tatkin i kahi Psychobiological Approach i ka Couple Therapy® (PACT) a me kāna wahine, ʻo Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, i hoʻokumu i ka PACT Institute.